Another pound down that is 3 pounds for last week....

Weight 101Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 31Kg

Weight loss is going well and I a very happy but I am getting obsessed with what to eat and I am being really strict with food.
Why do people feel they can talk about your weight as if you were not there? Visiting family at the week-end and somehow my weight loss become main topic of conversation. How did you lose it? What do you eat? How much have you lost? How much ore do you want to lose? It was excruciating I do not like the attention....even worst the comment she s being good she did not have a choccie biscuit!! How patronizing! Even if I was not trying to lose weight I would have not had the biscuit! Anyway am I being ungraceful? Should I just take the comments in the spirit they were intended? Bad workout this morning at the gym. PT says I just gave up maybe he has a point. Apparently I lack motivation and mental strength!! How do you keep going when you are tired?

Another 2 pounds off!!!!

Weight 101.5Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 31.5Kg

I have done the 5K in 43minutes 38 seconds...over 2 minutes better than last time. I am really happy about this but it still feels very difficult!!! I am struggling with the breathing and the uneven surface. I have only managed to do that with the help of PT that kept me going! I am really wworried on how I will keep going on the day by myself.I look like a real mess when I run!!!Imagine a very overweight, breathless, red faced woman trying to run. I hate it and I feel like everyone is looking at me in the park. There was a group of woman sitting at a bench and it was so unnerving!! The sensible side of me is saying who cares what people think? but in reality I do care, maybe it is the result of my upbringing? The importance of what people think.....
I have lost 2 pounds and it feels great especially as it looked like I was stuck at the same weight!! Food has been absolutely great but I am so worried about going on holidays next Friday. Last time I went to the same place I put on 6 pounds in 4 days. How did I do it? It was easy and delicious....I just cannot face putting on 6 pounds this time around so I am preparing myself to face the onslaught of food on offer and people insisting you try everything and keep putting things on your plate. What is it about families? They feel free to nag you about your weight and at the same time they just keep going at you with food until you have had everything on sight!

Only one Pound!!!

Weight 102.5Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 32.5Kg

The good news is that I did the 5k outside in the race park, it took 46 minutes. The aim now is to do it under 45 minutes.....The not so good news is that I have only lost 1 pound this week. It is really getting me down. I have been very good with food especially when everyone around me were stuffing themselves! This is the hardest when I have to keep going and the results are not coming....

Persepolis and fat and happy?

Weight 103Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 33Kg

Persepolis is a fantastic movie, I would highly recommend it. This is easily one of the best movies I have seen this year.

We have decided to get a second opinion overseas on the whole baby issue. We are going in 3 weeks. I am excited about going and scared if the news are not good. We are now running out of options...I just hope it is good news.

Finally just to clarify something: I was not happy at my starting weight however it does not mean that you can t be happy. I am not saying that you cannot be fat and happy I am just saying that I was not. In many the ivf was the trigger for me to lose weight but I have only made it so far by keep going after slipping up. In the past I would have just given up after slipping up, this time with PT s help and annoying comments I keep going....I am sure that I will not win a record for the time it has taken me but as long as I get to the destination...that is what matters

Exciting News....

I have done 5K this morning alone on the same park as the race. I was happy and relieved as after Friday I was really worried about not finishing it....
This morning was easy compared t0 Friday, the surface was alone easier on me, no mud, no slippery and no stones.... It took me under 45 mins which is what I want really for the day.
The best thing? How impressed DH was!!! He was sitting on a bench waiting for me and he was really impressed and almost surprised! I think up to today he never thought I could do it.....
There is actually a list of people that think I am not going to do it!! The only doubt I had was ob Friday when PT looked worried he has spent the last 2 years telling me I could do almost anything that seeing him wondering if I will finish scared the life out of me....He should be on my side.

We are avoiding talking about the ivf issues with DH but we need to start thinking about what to do next. Who said hiding under the duvet is not the best approach to life s problems?

I am going out tonight and I am wearing a knee length skirt....I have not done that for years...7-8 years to be precise...It feels great. There is one thing that is bugging me my best friend has not ever mentioned my weight loss!!! I avoid boring people and do not like talking about it..... I just want her to acknowledge it though!! 6 stones and not a word. Complete strangers have commented on it but not her....

The last question is why do people keep offering me chocolates or sweet bad things? In the last 5 days I have received: 2 boxes of choccies (both from friends and family), 12 Krispy Kreme (my favourite from best friend above), 1 Dark Kit Kat(KK favourite choccie from work colleague!) and 1 box of Belgian choccies!!!! I am into recycling so I f I give you some choccies be warned!!!

Why did I enter this race?

OK the good news is that I have done 5K outside today for the first time ever with PT, the bad news is that it did not go well. It took me 50 mins and 47 seconds. I am not that bothered about the time what I am really worried about is how difficult I found it.
Interestingly enough the difficulty came from the surface I was running on, I am the most uncoordinated person on the planet, so running in an uneven muddy surface was hard!!!
I kept thinking that I was going to fall.

PT was not impressed to say the least and for the first time I could see he thought I was not going to do it on the day alone....

I will do it on the day even if I just walk all the way but I will think twice next time before entering such an event.

I am going running outside again on Sunday with DH so hopefully I will get used to it.

I am back....and I have put on weight!

Weight 104.5 Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 34.5Kg

After a long absence, it has been the saddest 10 days of my life, I am back. How do you deal with bad news? Well I just ate and ate... I am trying to get back to where I was but I am struggling with motivation.
The gym has been hard to get back into it...How can I go from my best work out ever to my worst in 2 weeks? PT was not too impressed...and he keeps reminding me of the stupid 2 pounds I have put on. I had to do sit ups and in front of everyone in the gym yesterday....I felt so awkward! I am sure everyone was looking at the fat girl all sweaty trying to do sit ups....

At least if it stops here and I lose them quickly it will only be a bleep...

It is getting expensive!

I spent the day shopping and I still get a thrill when I fit into a size 18 so it ended up being very expensive. Funnily enough it is probably most women s nightmare to be a size 18 but after being a lot bigger it feels great...

I have put a bet with DH he needs to lose 10Kg and I need some motivation for the next stone so here it is: Whoever loses the weight firsts (Him 10Kg,Me 7Kg well it is easier for men...) gets £100. It is all meant in good spirit of course.

I went to the gym today again but I did take it easier especially as I am due again tomorrow with PT.



I have a moral dilemma: I have a friend who wants to do the 5Km with me, she just wants to walk the whole course.The issue is for me this is becoming a personal challenge I want to run at least part of it. She is a lot smaller than me but not very fit: I could do with the company but at the same time I want to do it at my pace. What shall I do?



Tomorrow we should get the confirmation that we are going ahead with the IUI. I am doing my best to distract myself and not think of the treatment or what we will do afterwards if t does not work.

6 Stones and 5 Km...

Weight 103.5Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 33.5Kg

I have done it I have run 5Km for the 2nd time in my life and this time in 42mins 39 sec, 2mins better than I did it in last. It was tough and after the first 2.5Km I just wanted to give up and go home but as always my PT would not have any of it... I do think that if it was not for the constant motivation, encouragement or plain annoying remarks of my PT I would have never made it so far: I have lost 6 stones, it has taken 2 years and really the biggest achievement is that I have not stopped I kept going. I had long periods where my weight stayed the same because my food was bad but I kept up the exercise and kept going...
I keep being asked if I am happy about losing the weight? Am I happy? Yes of course I am but I still have so much to lose that I just want to keep going. My absolutely biggest fear is that I will have a binge and then that develops into a days of appalling food then 2-3 days then what is the point it becomes a whole week of take aways.............so I am happy but I am also scared.
The funny thing is that people keep asking me for tips about how to lose weight in reality I am the last person you should ask about it yes I have lost 6 stones but it has taken 2 years...
Anyway I have to face another restaurant this evening with friends: why is my social life always linked with food?

No ivf again this time...

Unfortunately it looks like another ivf cycle that has to be abandoned due to poor response...Difficult to take in, we are reviewing our options at the moment....We are converting this cycle to an IUI.
On top of that although the food has been very good lately I have been spending time imagining all sorts of food I would like to have I am having a fixation on chips with lots of salt and vinegar.Of course the proper ones from the chippie and not the oven ones.... Also Krispy Kreme donuts I am spending a lot of time at work thinking about them........

Of course the worst possible time will be the 2 weeks after the iui waiting to see if it has worked.

3rd time lucky?

Weight 105 Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 35Kg

After a very good week food and gym wise I have only lost one pound! Disappointing to say the least, usually this would be enough to make me want to stop and eat everything in sight but this time I am trying to be realistic...1 pound less is still 1 pound less.

It is official we have started our 3rd ivf treatment, I so much want to be able to complete this treatment (previous 2 attempts had to be abandoned due to poor response on my part...).

It feels unfair I know ivf does not work for everyone and it is a heartbreaking process but not to be able to have a go at it seems even more unfair!.

Anyway let s hope 3rd time lucky....

It is so difficult to manage my own expectations: i do not want to be negative (what is the point of doing it then?) but at the same time I cannot afford the luxury of hope. Hoping and then getting the crushing negative results is to difficult to deal with.

A quick peek does it count?

I could not resist, I had to have a peak: I had to get on the scales this morning....I did not last 3 days without checking. What an obsession! Anyway the good news is that it is going in the right direction. It looks like I should be starting on the ivf treatment soon..... and I am really excited. Could it be 3rd time lucky? I just want to get to the egg collection stage that in itself would be an achievement! If that does not work we seriously need to consider egg donation....Mixed feelings about that.....

Courage needed....

Things are going well on the food front. Gym is going OK (did 4K today but not in one go, of which 2.5k I did in just over 21 mins).

So why am I having doubts about the 5K race....It is funny how for most people 5K is just not even a challenge and for me it is a mountain to climb. The issue I have is that 5K running outside is harder than 5K on the treadmill and I do not seem able to do 5K easily on the treadmill. I really do not want to fail and like always my fear of failure is making me have second thoughts. I sometimes wish I could live my life without this fear of failure....that could be a pretty interesting life.

I also want some changes in the gym so I was looking at the different classes available but again my fear would not let me know give it a go....what if I am the biggest person in the class?(Very Likely). what if I can keep it up? I have no sense coordination, what if everyone else looks at me?

Gosh being fat is hard work but then again some people are happy being overweight I am just not one of them.

Fitness gear for overweight people?

No of course you do not get the opportunity to buy any of the usual fitness gear if you are over a size 16. It must be a crime against good manners to exercise at my size 20. I have emailed one of the big corporation asking them why they have a size XXL but nothing in it....I will let you know the update. Wondering if there is a business opportunity there.

The big change is that I have decided to stop weighing myself every day. This is going to require self discipline as it is a habit of a life time. However I think this is only creating agony. My weight varies a lot in a week, mainly due to hormonal changes so no point in checking every day. Let s see if I can be true to my word....

Dinner out yesterday went well all in a very controlled manner, I had t endure watching everyone having desert while I pretend I was too full to have anything else. In 2 years I have only told a handful of people what I am doing....A lot of people have noticed my weight-loss and comment on it but I do not offer any explanations. I am actually very bad at taking compliments. I do not know why but doing it in secret seems easier....

The Week-End

Weight 105.5 Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 35.5Kg

The week-end has always been my weakest time. No structure, time to myself I seem to realise that life is for living and not constantly watching what you eat. Of course this is how I convince myself that just a packet of crisps would be OK the problem is like for many others for me it is never about 1 packet or moderation....

Anyway the scales were kind this morning so that was a good start however the bad gym session of yesterday is on my mind....I will go again tomorrow to the gym and do better.
In the meantime I have to manage today calorie wise so far so good but tonight eating out. I have cleverly chose the restaurant where i know I can have a healthy dish (steamed fish with vegetables).

There is something very wrong when you chose the restaurant just for their healthy choices.....

Bad day at the gym and big decision

Weight 106Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 36Kg

I have arrived at the gym with the best intention, excited that the weight seems to go down after a long period of stagnation.....
However i just lacked the energy, motivation to keep going. PT giving me a real hard time about it an the more pressure I was under the less I performed.......
I think only people who have been seriously overweight can understand the indignity of being a fat girl trying to run, the sweat, the real heavy breathing like you are dying almost....and feeling that everyone is looking at you. In reality no one cares in the gym the reasonable side of me knows that however my heart says differently.
The decision I have to make is do I go for an ivf treatment next week or do I wait for 1 month and try to lose some more weight? What do you think?

Back in the gym

Weight 106.5Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 36.5Kg

OK the good news is that I have lost the pound I have put in Rome and some more. I am back at the gym training with my PT. Yes I know I am lucky to have a PT. Very daunting experience but I think he is the only reason I have kept going. Up to when I met him I used to lose some weight and then put it all back on and some more.....Very intense relationship at times too intense. He makes me do things I never thought I could do so it can be a constant battle.
Maybe this explains why I have decided to enter the Race for Life this year...5K walking/running I am so scared I can just about do 5K on a treadmill but in the park I do not know how I will do this....At least it is for a very worthwhile cause. All the images of me HATING PE at school, being the last one to be picked up, the fat one in the corner....How did I end up signing up for this? I know why I can never resist a challenge and now I have to find a way to do it without panicking....

Back from Rome

Weight 107.5Kg Goal:70Kg Still need to loose: 37.5Kg

Rome is a fantastic city and we managed to had a great time despite the news we received and the rain....

I have only put 1 pound so it is not too bad probably due to all the walking we did.

Feeling a lot more positive about ivf we will have one last try at ivf.....then get a second opinion in the UK and depending on what we are told we will then consider going abroad for Donor Eggs.
After some research on the Internet it seems like there are some good options abroad and it feels easier. Need to lose weight now seriously

Going to Rome....And Bad News

On the day we were flying for Rome we went to see Fertility Dr and apparently after all this time he decided ivf not for us....
So much heartache it felt like I could not breath when he was talking to us.
DH was struggling as well with the news. Anyway he suggested donor eggs overseas. Very difficult to understand his reasoning. I have only had 2 try at ivf both times treatment had to be abandoned as I did not produce enough eggs....
We had the feeling that he wanted to get ride of us we are polluting his stats, he was pushy towards us going overseas.
He reluctantly agreed to one last go at ivf with a different protocol.
We drove to the airport in complete silence so much to take in and some really difficult decisions ahead of us.....

The Beginning....

Where do I start?

Weight 107KgGoal:70KgStill need to loose: 37.

In the last 2 years and after a lof of effort I have lost 5.5 stones.... I still have 37Kg to lose...As I am struggling to keep going I have decided to keep a record of the journey.
Difficult week ahead I have twisted my ankle and I am struggling with the gym. Saturday was a big day I seemed to eat everything available... today I made up for it by being extra strict (1150Kcal). We are going away to Rome for Easter and I am not sure how I will survive 5 days with all food and no gym. Let s wait and see...